Sometimes when I'm on youtube and looking at videos I search for scenes from certain comedy shows and what not, and often that leads me to other scenes I had forgotten about. Today I was loooking up some Simpsons scenes and I was sooner or later directed to the scene where Homer confesses all his sins to priest Liam Neeson.

It's a pretty funny scene and it details how ridicolusly sinful Homer is while also potraying an astrounding lack of understanding of how the catholic practice of confessing your sins actually work. Great scene, 8/10.

For some reason I got a bit obessed over one sin that Homer mentions. The one where he says that he has "masturbated 8 billion times". Obviously this is just a throw away gag and is meant to be exgerated for the sake of comedy. But did you really think I would leave it at that? No fucking way! I went and did the math, because I had nothing better to do than to overanalyze a line a cartoon about masturbation!

So first of I did some research (google some stuff) to find out how old Homer actually is and if he actually has a set age at all. I mean sure Bart, Lisa and Maggie all have set ages (10, 8 and 1 I believe Maggie is) but all the adults just same to be "adults". But wouldn't you know it Homer (and Marge) have a set age, AND THAT AGE IS... 36... Holy shit Homer you really aged bad... Anyway so here I first divide 36 by 4 to just get an assumption of how many leapyears Homer has lived through, which by the way is 9. Then I multiplied 366 by 9 (3294) and 365 by 27 (9855) and then of course added them up to find out roughly how many days Homer might have lived up until now and it turns it should be somewhere around 13149 days. So the next simply step would be to divide the time wanked by the numbers of days lived to get a rough estimate of how many times he jerks it each day, and he jerks it about... 608411 TIMES A DAY!? Holy fucking hell Homer!

But wait I forgot something, by these calculations it's assumed that came out of the womb masturbating, and while this is a cartoon comedy I doubt that would be the case. So lets take away some years and start counting instead from where he might have realisticly started masturbating to the point of climaxing. Because really jerking for the sake of jerking it ain't the same thing. But lets say he started to geniuenly mastrbate at the age of 13. Again divide by 4 to get the leapyears in (even though it might not be entirely accurate) which is like 3 and do the multiply thingy I did before. So those 13 years comes up to roughly 4745 days so lets subtract them for the total of Homers days lived and we get 8404 days. Now we can again divide the times wanked by the days plausibly spent fapping and we get and estimate at... 951927 TIMES MASTURBATED EACH FUCKING DAY!!!

I... I don't even know what to say... That's a lot of masturbating going... I mean how is it even feasible? Is it even? I mean it must take up a lot of time each day to just masturbate right? Actually lets find out just how much time Homer spends on masturbating each day! 

So it's not really easy to figure out how much time one person spend on each wank, because we are all diffirent and also not every wank take the same amount of time. Hell I myself can attest to that sometimes I can cum really fast and sometimes it longer than 10 minutes. But we are going to assume that a normal wank takes about 3 minutes to reach climax because when I did the research (looked up some questionable forum threads) a lot of guys seemed to be in that area of time. So not it is as simple to multiply 3 minutes with 951927 WANKS! And the end result is... 2855781 minutes devoted each day to just masturbating... Oh boy... Okay so now obvious next step is the convert into hours which you all should know how to do so I'm not even going to explain it. Actually most of the math I've done is not even hard to figure out really. It's just that I devoted time to actually figuring this out that is amazing. In a very depressing way... Any way using the obvious method to find out how many hours it would be we'll find out that each Homer spend 47596 hours masturbating each day... So now even the thickest of us can see that Homers that is just not feasible. He just can not have masturbated that many times. I mean even if were true he'd masturbating every time he is on the screen which to be honest would give to Simpson show a little new life. But regardless it is not possible.

Or so I thought until I realized that The Simpsons are stuck some kind of twisted cartoon purgatory. I mean they have existed since the fucking 80s and have not aged a fucking day since. Could it be that Homer is not actually lying and that because he has existe so long, perhaps even before the show began, he has had this much time to fap 8 billions times?

But what is more interesting is finding out how old he really is. Or at least how old he at least must be. So again lets take 3 minutes the time spent fapping and multiply it by 8 billion and then divide that by 60. Then we 400000000 hours. As we all know one day is 24 hours (not rly but lets keep it simple) so we just divide the above answer with 24 and we get... About 16666666(and some decimals but fuck them) days! Then again divide that by 365 (I dropped the leapyear thing now because I kind of got bored) and then we get number of years, and it is roughly... 45662 years!!!

Hoy shit Homer is super old! And remember that is just how much time he has spent on fapping and not his true age. He could be millions of years old for all we know. Man what if this is canon? Did I just figure the horrible secret of The Simpson? That they are all dammned to entirnal existence and have lived thousands and if it not millions of years? Probably not since it's just a cartoon show and this was just dumb throw away gag.

But hey that's just a theory, A FAP THEORY!

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